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jess angel

[ website | tamed v1.0 ]
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thank you for your eloquence... [13 Sep 2001|01:35pm]
[ mood | scared ]

"One of the darkest events I have ever seen happened recently in America.

What really terrifies me now is all the things I learnt about WW1, WW2, the great depression and extreme politics in times of war. I studied all of these topics in depth for my A-levels and back then it scared the shit out of me. What was so frightening is that it all occurred so easily, quickly, and uncontrollably.

The event that sparked WW1 was an assassination of a president in Europe.
World war 2 ultimately came from the poor peace treaties settled in Europe, and the effect of America pulling all of its money and support from European countries ravished by the war when the great depression hit, and they wanted all the money the loaned (because America stayed out of WW1, they had the money and resources). Then Germany was broke and in a depression, politics polarised, the Nazi's promised jobs and took power.

I think either a major worldwide economic recession is going to occur when then New York stock markets finally re-open, or, in its worst case, another great depression will strike America- and because of modern worldwide economic connections, this time it won't be confined to the USA.

As for the start of WW3... in the past MUCH smaller events have triggered world war. That's the truth and that's a fact. Bush's reaction to whoever the Americans find/decide is to blame will be the determining point of war. Terrorist acts were committed on America, but America's military reaction will be an undisputable act of war on another country. Period. And in addition to this, as the death toll rises and American public feeling descends on Washington, Bush may be forced to take revenge for his country before he knows clearly the true perpetrators and the knock-on effects of his actions.

So I am worried. I'm worried about me, I'm worried about Jess, I'm worried about our families and I'm worried about our friends and I'm worried about the future of this planet.

Newspapers are saying it's the apocalypse over here... maybe they are right... at least... this could be the beginning...

"In the year of the new century and nine months,
From the sky will come a great King of Terror...
The sky will burn at forty-five degrees.
Fire approaches the great new city..."
"In the city of York there will be a great collapse,
2 twin brothers torn apart by chaos
while the fortress falls the great leader will succumb
the third big war will begin when the big city is burning"


This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.
This won't be my future.

I want peace. Not war or revenge.

Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time"

quote taken from james-angels private journal.

my thoughts exactly, love.

17 comments|post comment

i'm not back, but i am alive... [11 Sep 2001|05:52pm]
[ mood | angry ]

unlike others on this day.

sitting here, numb, not understanding how anyone can logically think terrorism works. worried. hoping felicity is okay. worried. sad. hurt. numb. numb. hurt.

peoples lives are being rocked right now. i dont want a war. i want to be home in california with my family. no fucking war better break out, damnit. life was going well today.

2 comments|post comment

i'm leaving... [31 Aug 2001|02:58pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i'm not going to be online anymore. my life is empty enough as is.

i apologize to all those who believed in me.

22 comments|post comment

i'm broke &desperate... [29 Aug 2001|10:35pm]
[ mood | blah ]

james &i are trying to sell a couple of items at ebay. check them out- you might like them.

&besides, i'll love you for it.

lovely thing #1
lovely thing #2


post comment

an explaination... [29 Aug 2001|12:00pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

sometimes i wish i'd slip through the cracks in the pavement.

6 comments|post comment

my iq... [16 Aug 2001|08:01pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

when i was 4 years old they
tryed to test my iq
they showed me this picture
of 3 oranges and a pear
they asked me which one is different and does not
they taught me different
is wrong
but when i was 13 years old
i woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war like a warning
that i live in a breakable
takable body
an ever increasingly valuable
that a woman had come
in the night
to replace me
deface me see...
my body is borrowed
yeah i got it on loan
for the time inbetween
my mom and some maggots
i don't need anyone to
hold me i can
hold my own
i got highways for stretchmarks
see where i've grown
i sing sometimes
like my life is at stake
'cause you're only as loud
as the noises you make
i'm learning to laugh
as loud as i can listen
'cause silence is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming
then i could relax
but a good brain ain't diddly
if you dont have the facts
we live in a breakable
takeable world
an ever available possible
and we can make music
like we can make do
genius is in a backbeat
backseat to nothing
if you're dancing
especially something
stupid like iq
for every lie i unlearn
i learn something new
i sing sometimes for
the war that i fight
cause every tool is a
if you hold it

this powerful poem is by a folk/punk singer/songwriter named ani di franco &i want to thank her.

thank you.

because, well... this is the type of woman i want to be and i've been trying to figure that out for a long time &i've been fumbling for my identity but after reading this i realized that it isn't that i have no selfidentity, it's that i've been trying to deny myself of the one i do have.

so i'm going to pursue who i am, not who i think i should be.

thank you.
2 comments|post comment

because i love you... [16 Aug 2001|07:01pm]
[ mood | silly ]

hey, you&you. i've got a silver ball stuck in my keyboard &i'm sucking on some as i type this.

kinky, eh? *winks*

2 comments|post comment

memories of dreams &injured backs... [16 Aug 2001|08:50am]
[ mood | tired ]

last night i had a dream in which amber played a vital role. i don't remember the dream well at all but i do remember that amber was sitting on her own crying. she looked absolutely crushed over something, i have no idea what, and i was trying to comfort her whilst not really being sure what was wrong. she was curled up into this sobbing mess so i held her and rocked her and stuck my chin on the top of her head &didn't say a thing, just held her. i don't remember if it helped but i hope it did.

i love you, amber. i don't want you to feel the need to cry but when you do i'll hold you. i'll be there. i just with i could be there in the flesh...

when james finally got home from work last night he had the fantastic news that he had seriously injured his back. yes, that was sarcasm. the poor thing in currently laying in bed in a huge amount of pain. i gave him a light massage &i'll be drawing him a hot bath soon to help ease it but i think the main thing it needs is a nice long rest. he'll be taking the day off of work but i seriously doubt that'll be enough. this is bad because we need the money, but you know what? tough shit. james' safety is number one on our priority list and he's deffinately not working on an injury unless they agree to put him on light duty. i don't care if he's the strong man at work. i'll march down there &show them just how strong his wife is.

All donations of weed which will be used completely for pain relief are greatfuly accepted.

today is shaping up not to be as nice as expected. james gets paid so we finally get money (yay!) but on the same note he's hurt and therefore we can't really do much with the money as far as activities go (boo!). i hope his back begins to heal quickly. he's not good at handling such situations. he pushes himself &will only end up making the injury worse... *sighs*

i'm tired. i'm up too early. i'm yawning.

good morning.

4 comments|post comment

stalk me. i dare you... [15 Aug 2001|10:12pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

suprise me. send me mail (but do it within the next two weeks or so for i shall no longer live here shortly):

jess angel
76 corn street
witney, oxfordshire
ox28 6bs
united kingdom

9 comments|post comment

the smell of paper... [15 Aug 2001|09:50pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i need to start pushing myself towards writing again. although i do have photography as an artistic outlet you don't get the instant gratification that you do when working with words. you have to wait for your finished product to develop whereas when you write you're developing the finished product during the creation process. and that, my friends, is why it writing works amazingly well for so many people as an emotional outlet.

i'm almost convinced that my lack of inspiration is due to my lack of a new notebook. there's just something beautiful about opening a fresh notebook and writing a few random words down. it's an extremely moving feeling, powerful, and i have only felt it through writing and music. this whole financial situation is becoming wearing in more ways than one.

sometimes i forget the money enables me to produce art as much as i may hate to admit it. money pays for the equipment that, as of right now, i no longer have.

new notebook, new notebook, new notebook...

it's strange when the list of things you want is narrowed down to one item, one that isn't even expensive, and due to circumstances it's still out of reach.

such is life i suppose.

i've been doing surprisingly well considering my emotional status just last week. i need to write a letter to a certain friend of mine but it's been difficult trying to build up the energy required. i know she'd be perfectly happy with a half-assed hello but i want to give her more than that. she's worth more than that.

james has been growing extremely excited over the prospect of moving out of this house &entering a whole new world at university. i have to admit i'm pretty damn excited myself. i really think our life is headed in the right direction and that very very soon we are going to be very very happy with where we end up. i hope so, anyway.

i wish i had a notebook. i wish i had a song.

4 comments|post comment

new layout... [15 Aug 2001|08:40pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

well i did it. i made a new color scheme. it's not fantastic but it goes with my default photo so i'm pleased. *smiles*

i'd change my mood icon but i'm rather found of my fat yellow star whether it goes with the layout particularly well or not. besides, all the other icons that seem to go are far to... *gasp*.... 'girly'.

so yeah. tada!

2 comments|post comment

new photo on the horizon?... [15 Aug 2001|02:17pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i think i may have finally found a new user icon, which means a new layout for my lovely livejournal.

what do you think?

it's me, whilst shocked, tinted! woo!
8 comments|post comment

look at the newspaper &what do you see?... [10 Aug 2001|05:11pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

sorry about the size but i wanted you to be able to actually read it from the source.

5 comments|post comment

randomness spread like wildfire in the livejournal community... [09 Aug 2001|10:27pm]

It's official! You were Melissa Auf Der Maur in a past life!

You were Melissa Auf Der Maur in a past life. You're highly artistic and enjoy expressing yourself in a variety of mediums. You're extremely fashion-savvy and take pride in your appearance, seeing fashion as yet another form of self expression and have developed a distinctive style of your own.

5 comments|post comment

thank you... [09 Aug 2001|09:57pm]
[ mood | grateful ]


I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley (1818)

today i met a traveler and although he did not have a story about the fleeting transience of power he had a song to share as well as few smiles while he looked into my camera. he explained to me while i snapped a shot of his hands strumming a guitar how he had run away from home at the age of 16 because his father was an alcoholic and often beat him. i expressed my sympathies but he brushed them aside. he obviously understood what 'in the past' meant and chose not to dwell on such things. i admired him.

he said he was on his way to protest against the cutting of a grandfather oak in a town far away. i noticed he only had a few pence sitting in front of him that some passerby's must have dropped so that they could continue to feel good about themselves for the rest of the day. he told me that the trees were his home and therefor he felt obligated to protect them. they offered him shelter, security, all that a lock &key offers me. i admired him.

he asked if i wanted to see his 'warrior' pose &i smiled &told him i'd love to. he stood, arms crossed, guitar propped against the cold brick wall, trying desperately not to smile. he told me he couldn't smile for a warrior pose but it was hard for him to stop because someone, anyone, had bothered to talk with him. he was giddy. i was amused. i snapped a few more shots and told him that james &i must be on our way. he bowed, kissed my hand, and waved goodbye.

he did not want my money. in fact i got the impression that he would have been offended if i had offered. he merely was happy to enjoy my company &i was just as happy to enjoy his. him, sitting by a supermarket away from the eyes of all those that don't wish to see him. me, walking home where i could change into a dry pair of clothes.

i hope he makes it to his protest. i hope that he knows i'll never forget him. i hope tonight it doesn't rain so that he may seek comfort in the branches on which he belongs. i hope that one day i will see him again so that i may invite him over for dinner &give him copies of the photos he let me take.

my dear homeless musician someone admires you. someone does care.
4 comments|post comment

tonight i took photos... [08 Aug 2001|03:16am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

the world is cold outside, my love

can we stay in tonight &rest?

i get so tired when i'm without you

you needn't hide from me, my love

though shyness is an attractive quality

just come lay next to me tonight

and we shall whisper words of grace

it's easy to disappear, my love

just be sure not to forget me

i love you, james.
12 comments|post comment

... [06 Aug 2001|08:50pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

&yes, i realize i must seem like a complete child right now but...

... i am.

6 comments|post comment

prayer to the faithfully departed II... [06 Aug 2001|08:46pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

tori, you will be missed and you were loved dearly as much as it may have seemed otherwise at times. farewell my little hamster.
12 comments|post comment

a prayer to the faithfully departed... [06 Aug 2001|08:11pm]
[ mood | cold ]

i just found one of my beautiful hamsters cold &motionless in their cage.

can my day become any worse?

i realize that death is enevitable and that the death of a pet is something one should take in stride but i'm also aware that it's more likely than not my fault that he died because i haven't been taking proper care of them these last few weeks due to of lack of resources.

&i'm crying like a fucking baby right now over a goddamn hamster. i'm hurting so terribly right now. i hate everything so incredibly right now. i just wish i could curl up and not exist for a breath or two.

5 comments|post comment

and so castles made of sand slip into the sea eventually... [06 Aug 2001|05:20pm]
[ mood | moody ]

i haven't been this suicidal and completely filled with hoplessness in almost a year now.

this can't be a good sign.

10 comments|post comment

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